It was 5:30 am and I had just had sex with a stranger for the third time in a week. I say “stranger” in the sense that the sex my bf and I now have feels, well…strange. We have only known each other for the past 7 months in a certain capacity and now that has completely changed.
Taking the BDSM out of our relationship has really got me thinking about a lot of stuff. Maybe too much stuff as I sit here frustrated at myself for not faking an orgasm tonight. Without our play, I have found that I am struggling to orgasm. Oh, sure…a good ol’ fuck with the dildo will ramp me right up but as I climb the orgasmic mountain with my bf I feel myself start to hold back. I could let go and just orgasm but that’d be forcing it. I could fake it but he has asked me not to and I try not to reinforce those negative stereotypes.
No biting. No scratching. No spitting. No slapping. No spanking. No hair pulling.
This is all I can think and honestly it’s making me quite angry. I’m very accustomed to getting what I want and I want those things. I am just unable to have them right now. I have been lashing out at people around me and I can’t help but think perhaps it’s because I am repressing a lot of the things that come naturally to me. I feel as if I am toning myself down just…and for what??? Maybe all this stifling is making me extra pissed off?
So if I haven’t commented on your blog in a while it’s not because I don’t still like you, it’s because I’m jealous and frustrated. I am throwing mental temper tantrums when I hear about all the fun stuff you bloggers are doing.
But, I’ll find a way to deal with this…
If your bf is never going to go back to the fun you once had, you definitely have a problem here. I know that I have no idea of how your dynamic outside of the bedroom is. But if you two have not been together one full year and you've already found a lack of sexual compatibility, it is only going to get worse until the resentment or the frustration boils to a head.
Again, I want to say that there are other fish in the sea, but I don't know your entire situation.
Do you think this relationship will continue to work without the BDSM? Your relationship was built on one thing, and that's been completely removed. It's more than just learning to adjust; it's removing a core part of your relationship and of your sex.
I know for me, personally, I would feel just as frustrated and angry, and probably wouldn't be nearly as understanding and dedicated to trying to make something work, especially if we'd only been together 7 months.
Obviously, you are going to do what is best for you, but I think you've got a lot to think about. Is this what you really want?
I haven't read a lot of your blog, having just stumbled across it, so apologies if I have missed something, but I don't understand why him not being your slave means you have to have boring vanilla sex?!
Kinky sex or rough sex doesn't mean M/s or D/s… it's just kinky sex.
Many vanilla couples with no M/s or D/s dynamic have kinky sex. Do the kink if it makes you (and him) happy, just don't do the power exchange.
Best of luck, I do hope you sort it out with him.
Ferns
Me again, having read a little more now… I am enjoying your blog – it's very honest and open.
Another thought… I see that he said he didn't want 'BDSM' anymore, but did you ever define with him what that meant to him?
I've never met a vanilla man who didn't enjoy kinky sex (hence my previous comment) within 'vanilla-ish' limits (eg biting, hair pulling, scratching, bondage etc are in; pissing, spitting and calling him your little bitch are out). I assume you would have been able to tell before now if he didn't like it, so my point above is really that maybe the submission is too much for him, but the play is not.
If you otherwise have a good relationship, maybe it's worth being sure and maybe that's enough.
Again, I wish you the best with it.
Ferns
as I read this again Im convinced….for you bdsm, is not something you dabble in, it is something that defines you…..not a bad definition either