Navigating BDSM social and, in my case, a professional space often requires interaction with a wide range of people, groups, and organizations. From event hosts, to start-up kinky ventures and community acquaintances to people you may not particularly like, the world is full of diverse personalities. However, the notion that being polite and maintaining a respectful demeanor, or even allowing someone to follow you on social media, equates to endorsing someone as a person can be misleading. It’s crucial to understand that civility, and even loose online association, does not necessarily mean approval or personal alignment with another individual’s or organization’s values or character.
Politeness as a social skill, not an endorsement
Being polite is a fundamental aspect of human interaction, especially in our small kink community settings. Politeness, by its very nature, is a social skill designed to foster positive communication and keep interactions flowing smoothly. It’s about showing respect for others, regardless of personal feelings. However, politeness does not require personal agreement or alignment with the other person’s or organization’s values, opinions, or behaviors.
The misconception that politeness equates to endorsement often arises in situations where outward behavior is mistaken for internal agreement. Just because I smile, nod, or engage in small talk doesn’t mean you agree with or support the person’s ideals or actions. Politeness is a strategy to maintain peace and avoid unnecessary conflict, especially in environments where friction can harm relationships, like the workplace or community settings.
Classiness and boundaries
I would consider Myself a “classy” individual. To Me that means maintaining grace and composure in social interactions and in professional dealings. Classy people can navigate difficult conversations, disagreements, or even confrontations without losing their cool. They exhibit self-control and respect for themselves and others, which makes interactions more pleasant and professional. This ability to maintain decorum, even with people they may not personally endorse, shows maturity.
But, maintaining classiness also involves understanding and enforcing boundaries. You can be gracious without getting overly involved or giving others the impression that you vouch for someone’s character. Politeness should never come at the cost of your values, but instead can coexist with them, allowing you to maintain a sense of dignity and integrity in challenging interactions.
Association ≠ Vouching
In many professional and social situations, you’ll find yourself associated with individuals whom you may not particularly like or whose values differ greatly from your own. Whether it’s working on a team, attending a mutual kinkster’s gathering, or being part of a kinky community project, association does not automatically mean that you are vouching for someone or a group.
Association often occurs out of necessity, obligation, or circumstance. You may be seen attending the same events, working in the same dungeon, or engaging in friendly munch conversations. While these associations may be visible to others, they are often superficial and do not reflect personal agreement with the another’s character or decisions. It’s vital to understand that people are multifaceted, and being polite in one area of life doesn’t mean you’re condoning everything someone stands for.
But d20domme, I saw you [presenting/writing/attending/teaching] with a group I heard bad things about!
I don’t know how else to explain this. I was one of those children who didn’t believe everything I was told, when I was told the stove was hot, I needed to see it for myself (yes I touched the edge of a hot cast iron pan once and never needed to again haha). Over the last 20 years in the community, you have probably seen me working with groups/people you’ve heard negative things about. I will often give the “benefit of the doubt” when possible until I can gain invaluable firsthand experience.
It may take working with organizations and groups a dozen times or just once before I’ve determined whether the criticisms are accurate or exaggerated. Rumors and reputations are often shaped by biases or limited viewpoints, and engaging directly affords Me a more nuanced understanding. Seeing things for yourself can reveal hidden positives, new perspectives, or challenges that might not align with hearsay.
On a practical level, this approach builds critical thinking skills and prevents reliance on assumptions. It also provides professional or personal networking opportunities that might otherwise be missed. Ultimately, it empowers Me to form My own opinions based on real-world interaction, fostering informed decision-making. The better tell is to look who I’ve continued to work and recommend with year after year.
Managing public perception
One of the most common reasons why people equate politeness with endorsement is the fear of what others might think. People worry that merely being seen with someone or exchanging pleasantries will make others think they are aligned with them. I know this was My fear when first entering the kink community. While public perception is a powerful factor, it’s important to remember that individuals with insight understand the difference between cordiality and friendship or endorsement. That means just because I was talking to someone at a munch or kink event doesn’t mean I’d choose to talk to them outside of that setting.
Navigating perceptions involves a degree of confidence. Knowing where I stand and trusting in My values has helped Me along the way. If you personally feel compelled, you can clarify your stance with direct communication, but in many cases, your consistent actions and behaviors will speak for themselves.
Balancing authenticity and social etiquette
The challenge for many people is finding the balance between being polite and staying authentic. On one hand, you want to maintain peace and avoid unnecessary conflict, but on the other hand, you don’t want to come across as endorsing something/someone you fundamentally disagree with. Learning how to maintain a healthy detachment in certain social situations is key. I employ heavy doses of emotional neutrality within the kink community. This enables you to keep a balanced perspective and not get overly involved in unnecessary drama or conflict.
By practicing emotional detachment, I can avoid feeling guilt or discomfort when interacting with groups/people I don’t necessarily like. I believe it’s possible to fulfill social obligations, participate in parties, or volunteer at kinky events alongside individuals without feeling pressured to align with them or their beliefs.
Being true to yourself while navigating these interactions is essential. Authenticity doesn’t mean being rude or confrontational, but it does mean recognizing when and how to express your opinions, and being comfortable with your values (whether voiced or not).
In the end, politeness and classiness are powerful tools for maintaining harmonious interactions in complex social environments. They allow you to engage with people respectfully without compromising your beliefs or values. Remember, association does not equal vouching, don’t assume someone is “good” or “bad” based solely on the optics of snapshot interactions. We all have the ability to set boundaries while staying gracious and composed. Whether in the workplace or in social circles, like the kink community, finding that balance between politeness and authenticity ensures that we can navigate the nuances of human interaction with confidence and integrity.
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