I want to take this Black History Month to talk about the intersection of dominance, race, and BDSM relationships, which is a profound and deeply personal topic for Me. As a dominant Black woman in alternative relationships with two white cishet presenting male submissives, this 20 year journey has been as rewarding as it has been challenging. These are dynamics filled with love, exploration, and an unflinching examination of societal norms on a regular basis.
Power, Race, and D/s Dynamics
Dominance in a BDSM relationship often involves an interplay of power, consent, and respect. Being a dominant Black woman in the kink space presents unique falls of entanglement. Historically, Black women have been stereotyped—as either hypersexualized or as “strong” figures devoid of vulnerability. These stereotypes can overshadow the multifaceted reality of our existence. Stepping into a dominant role, particularly with white partners, allows us to denounce those societal narratives.
I want to add, that even though I have been dating people of all races in My life, it still requires a baseline level of trust for Me to personally expose vulnerable parts of Myself to others. In the past I have had friends assume I never cry, sternly reminded vanilla partners that I have soft spaces within, and heard submissives question the depth of My dominance for showing glimmers of authentic hidden parts of Myself! All this makes it hard to show up as a emotionally limitless Black woman in a world that insist on forcing My sharp edges to be exposed.
So, it’s not just about the power I wield in the dynamic; it’s also about redefining what it means to hold space and lead with intention. I lead because it comes naturally to Me and I choose to engage with those who enjoy following. My dominance is not rooted in cruelty but in mutual respect, care, and an understanding of My partners’ needs. At the same time, I am acutely aware of the racial and historical implications of our dynamic, which can complicate perceptions both within and outside our D/s relationships.
Navigating race play and its boundaries
Race play is a contentious and deeply polarizing topic within the BDSM community. For some, it’s a hard limit; for others, it’s a way to explore the power dynamics shaped by racial history. Personally, it has been a point of intense reflection and conversation in My relationships.
When My ex-submissive first broached the idea, I was hesitant. Engaging in race play requires a level of trust and understanding that goes far beyond typical kink playdates. We had to have difficult, soul-searching conversations about what it would mean, why they were drawn to it, and how I felt about taking on such a role. I had to ensure that the practice would empower me and not perpetuate harm.
In the end, the decision to incorporate race play into our dynamic was rooted in reclaiming agency. It allowed Me to take control of narratives that had historically been used to oppress and demean. When I call My subs ‘white noise’ sometimes it’s jokingly at their begging, other times it’s said as a way to diffuse a tense, racially charged debate. However, this practice is not without its emotional toll, and it’s something we approach with care, transparency, and ongoing communication. They have all expressed having less internal turmoil with this type of edge play on the receiving end. I attribute this simply to the fact that they don’t have a painful history with racial slurs, racial stereotypes, racial assumptions, racial biases, and good ol’ hate played out in the vanilla world with the damaging effects still seen today.
Challenge the status quo
One of the most significant hurdles of our dynamic has been addressing the reality of racism. Being a Black woman in a relationship with white men means there’s no escaping discussions about privilege, systemic inequality, and personal accountability—in kinky and vanilla spaces.
Early on, I made it clear that I required partners who wouldn’t just be allies in name but active participants in fighting against racism; both within themselves and in the outside world.
This meant having honest heart-to-heart talks about their biases:
- My one partner felt that because his lifelong Black friends didn’t talk about racism as much in their country as they we/I do here that they weren’t experiencing it. Shut up white noise. I had to explain they probably didn’t confide in him about it because, it’s so un-relatable to him, why bother.
- In the past I have had to demand partners refrain from calling Me “pet names” such as ‘Nubian Goddess’, ‘Brown sugar’, ‘Chocolate’, ‘Mocha Mama’, or any other race/skin color based “”””compliments””””. And is it always food?!
- Another partner and I often have conversations surrounding religion and race and the implications that imposes on Black folks to want to participate in the kink community.
We share experiences, and how they could better support me as a Black woman or extend their privilege to help in our lives. One of the most mind-boggling things we encounter in our 24/7 dynamics is when we travel places and My white partners are assumed to be in charge, the leader, or given special treatment because, well…they’re white. I respectfully point these instances out to create a juncture for “real talk”.
These conversations weren’t always easy. There were moments of defensiveness from all of us, undeniable discomfort, and even tears. But they were necessary. My partners had, and continue to, identify their own privilege and understand how it has shaped their worldview. Just as I had to process how My worldview through a privileged upbringing (still while Black) shaped mine. They also needed to recognize that loving Me meant standing up for me—not just in the private sphere of a dungeon but in public spaces where My voice might otherwise be drowned out.
Balancing power and respect
Respect is non-negotiable in any relationship, but it takes on added weight in a dynamic where real-world power imbalances come into play. These are imbalances that feel out of our/My control and sometimes it sucks. As a dominant, I command respect from My submissives in our agreed-upon roles. But as a Black woman, I also need to feel respected for who I am outside of the dynamic.
This means My partners must not only honor My dominance but also actively work to uplift Me in a world that often tries to diminish My worth on a daily basis through countless avenues. They’ve shown their respect by listening to My experiences, educating themselves about systemic racism, and advocating for racial justice in their own lives. A submissive who worships me in the bedroom but stays silent when their family or friends make racist/racially insensitive comments or jokes isn’t someone I can trust. I don’t want passive compliance—I need active support.
Intertwined growth
Despite the stumbling blocks, this journey has been powerful, for Myself and hopefully My partners. My relationships have become spaces of mutual growth, where we insist each of us to be better, more aware, and more empathetic to the lived reality of each other. My submissives have shown Me that they care about what it means to ME be seen and valued, not just as a dominant but as a whole person—even if they still have some work to do. And that’s what makes Me stay, they aren’t in denial about the two different worlds we live in.
One of the most empowering aspects of our dynamic is the way My partners celebrate My Blackness. They don’t fetishize it or reduce it to a kink; instead, they honor it as a vital part of who I am. They know not to ever touch My hair without asking (lol), to help support Black owned businesses when possible, and to check in on Me when there’s a subtle shift in someone’s tone upon My presence in public. These affirmations have been healing in small ways I didn’t anticipate. At the end of the day, I want to reclaim parts of My identity that the world is determined to suppress and having their support allows Me a greater chance of experiencing that.
Patience pays off
Through this experience, I’ve learned a few key lessons:
- You talk, they talk, everyone listens: Open, honest dialogue is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it’s especially crucial in a dynamic that intersects with complex issues like race and power. Don’t hold back what needs to be said but also don’t be cruel or defensive in your delivery.
- Get those boundary cones ready: Establishing and respecting boundaries ensures that everyone feels safe and valued. This is particularly important when navigating sensitive topics like race play. I know even jokingly, there are certain words/phrases that if My subs said that have serious consequences, like losing Me.
- Water yourself and others: None of us are perfect, and we all have blind spots. What matters is a commitment to learning, growing, and holding each other accountable. Share YouTube videos or think pieces about race and gender equality in modern times.
- Core values or core beliefs?: While core beliefs can be flexible and subject to change as we grow and learn, core values are more enduring and provide a consistent framework for how we navigate life. Understanding this distinction can help in personal development and relationship dynamics.
- Love and Justice: To Me, true love means standing up for each other, not just in private but in the broader world context. It means fighting for a world where your partner can thrive without fear or discrimination. Whether that’s through protesting, volunteering, or at minimum voting, it’s important that actions match words in these areas.
I need submissives who don’t just kneel at My feet in private but who stand beside me in public, advocating for My rights, amplifying MY voice, and checking their privilege in real time. This means them recognizing that their submission doesn’t absolve them of societal power, and that fighting for Me —whether in personal relationships, professional spaces, or political movements—is part of their devotion.
Being a dominant Black woman with two white submissives is not a path I expected to take. Does it get emotionally exhausting? Sometimes. But it has been an incredible journey of self-discovery, love, and resilience. It’s a dynamic that requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. But it’s also a testament to the power of love and respect to transcend oppressive barriers. I need submissives who truly understand their role isn’t just about surrendering control in the moment—it’s about uplifting and protecting the one they serve in all areas of life. I deserve partners who see My dominance as an extension of my strength, not just a kink fantasy. The real test isn’t what they do when I have a whip in my hand; it’s what they do when I need them to speak up and show up when it matters most.
In the end, our relationships are not defined by the color of our skin or the roles we play but by the absoluteness of our connection and the shared commitment to building something meaningful. Together, we continue to navigate this intricate, beautiful dynamic, resisting norms and creating a space where we can all thrive—equally.