At the start of 2024, I set out to tick off 40 items as I turned 40. How many kinky items did I get to? Just ONE. I’m going to ignore all the things My recovering perfectionist of a brain is saying, and simply say I am disappointed. I thought I had a great plan to get a least half of the list done but the time escaped Me. I sat a reflected on where the fuck exactly has My time went?? Then I realized…
- I spent 3,000+ hours helping a small kink organization rebrand, recruit, and build their content
- I gave months of unpaid mentoring, workshopping, marketing, and more for kinksters
- I presented multiple ‘free’ monthly classes for kink groups
- I assisted My subs get their health, finances and careers on track
- I also wasted too much time on wannabe chastity sluts – boo!
- I appeared regularly on a kinky podcast that I curated, co-hosted, produced, and advertised
- I helped vanilla friends with personal/professional matters
- I even limited travel to honor previous commitments despite that being My recharge time
Put plainly, I gave too much of My time to others. I volunteered about 8 months of My year to endeavors that are now: A) Not in alignment with My values, B) Overwhelmingly toxic, or C) Just a waste of My precious time. This year, 2025, I aim to not repeat the same mistakes. That may mean taking a step back from the kink community in some ways.
As someone who is passionate about sharing my valuable time in meaningful ways, volunteering has been a lifelong activity since blossoming in childhood. Volunteerism is often seen as a selfless act, where individuals contribute their time and effort to causes they believe in. Itâs a powerful force for good, fostering community spirit and providing essential support to various organizations. The kink community cannot function without the foundation built with the blood, sweat, and tears of its volunteers.
However, thereâs a darker side to all volunteerism thatâs not often discussed; the exploitation of well-meaning individuals. Those who find themselves overburdened, underappreciated, and taken advantage of in their roles. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for protecting your well-being and maintaining a healthy relationship with all volunteer work.
The allure of volunteerism
Volunteerism holds a strong appeal for many, especially us kinksters. It’s driven by the desire to contribute to something meaningful. This allure can be broken down into several key aspects:
- Sense of purpose: Volunteering allows individuals to engage with organizations and groups theyâre excited about. Whether itâs helping the homeless, protecting the rights of LGBTQ+, or supporting kink education, the opportunity to make a tangible difference is a powerful motivator. This sense of purpose not only enriches the lives of those being helped but also gives the volunteer a profound feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction.
- Personal growth and D/s skill development: Many are drawn to volunteer within the community as a way to develop new D/s skills or gain experience in lifestyle areas they are interested in. Whether itâs dynamic leadership, relationship communication, chastity, or event planning, volunteering provides a practical, hands-on environment for personal growth. Additionally, the challenges faced during volunteer opportunities can lead to personal development, including increased empathy, resilience, and adaptability.
- Positive impact and legacy: The desire to leave a lasting impact is a significant driver for many volunteers, I know it is for Me. The joy of seeing the direct impact of your work, the gratitude from those you help within the community, and the intrinsic satisfaction of contributing to the greater good of BDSM all create a positive feedback loop that keeps volunteers engaged. This long-term impact, whether itâs in the form of a community munch, a newbies program, or preserved lifestyle values, can be a source of pride and motivation.
- Community and connection: Volunteering is often a social activity, bringing together like-minded individuals who share common goals. This sense of belonging and community can be incredibly rewarding, as it fosters friendships, networking opportunities, and a sense of camaraderie. The bonds formed while working towards a shared objective can be lasting and deeply meaningful.
This sense of purpose and community can sometimes blind volunteers to the fact that they are being overworked or taken advantage of, leading to significant challenges.
Are you being taken advantage of�
Volunteers play a vital role in our kink community, offering their time and skills selflessly. But, itâs important to recognize when a volunteer may be taken advantage of, as this can lead to feelings of frustration, burnout, and disillusionment with organizations and the community on the whole. This is where I fear I am now. Watch out for these red flags within kink volunteerism:
- Unclear expectations: If your role isnât well-defined, itâs easy for responsibilities to start piling up. You might find yourself saying yes to more and more tasks because the boundaries of your position were never clearly set. This lack of clarity can make it difficult to push back when youâre being asked to do too much. The number of events I’ve volunteered for that comfortably piled on extra duties for Me is alarming.
- Excessive demands: One of the first signs of exploitation is when the demands of your volunteer role exceed what was initially promised. This could manifest as being asked to work longer hours, take on additional tasks, or perform duties that go beyond your skill set or comfort zone. The expectation to continuously âstep upâ can quickly lead to burnout. Just because I am a Presenter and Kink Educator doesn’t mean you can assume I will take the lead when your plans start to crumble.
- Lack of recognition or appreciation: Volunteers who are taken for granted often find that their contributions go unrecognized. While most volunteers donât seek out accolades, a complete lack of acknowledgment can be demoralizing. Ask Me about the event I will never attend again. My name was omitted from the program booklets and signage at the event, nor mentioned when attendees wanted to know about Femdom classes. When your efforts are consistently overlooked, or youâre treated as âjust another set of handsâ, rather than a valuable contributor, it may be a sign of exploitation. This year, I will personally shy away from sharing My time with organizations, groups, events, or dungeons who donât recognize My (and others!) volunteer efforts.
- Boundary violations: Exploitation can occur when organizations fail to respect the personal boundaries of their volunteers. This could involve being contacted outside of agreed-upon hours, being expected to use personal resources (like your own vehicle or supplies) without reimbursement, or being pressured into situations that make you uncomfortable. I stopped counting the dollars I spent on materials for events so I am not embarrassed as a Presenter when I’m at the front of the room.
Why do organizations exploit volunteers?
Exploitation in volunteering within niche communities like ours often happens due to the close-knit, joy-driven nature of these groups. People are drawn to contribute because they deeply care about the cause, in this case kink, making them more vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Anyone who has attended any of My events or classes knows firsthand how dedicated I am about building a better kink community for everyone. This is what fueled My initial interest in kinky volunteering.
In some cases, the communityâs limited resources and high demand for help lead to volunteers being overextended. Volunteers are seen as a crucial resource to fill the gaps. Additionally, the lack of formal structure, clear mismanagement, or oversight in these niche areas can create environments where boundaries are blurred, and exploitation occurs without adequate checks and balances. For Me, I believe a lot of kinky groups and organizations that perpetuate this are those who have incompetent folks at the helm. Just because you fancy yourself a Dominant, “Community Leader”, or Fet-leberity, doesn’t mean you know shit about running a club, dungeon, munch, or hosting a weekend long event!
In some organizations, itâs a cultural ânormâ. How many times have you heard people tell newbies to volunteer if they want to be a part of the kink community/meet a potential partner? Thereâs an unspoken expectation that volunteers should be willing to go above and beyond, simply because theyâre enthused about kink. This culture of âself-sacrificeâ can pressure volunteers into overcommitting, often to the detriment of their own well-being.
Next week I’ll wrap this up with discussing the effects of volunteer exploitation and steps to protect yourself before you reach the state of ‘just walking away’.