Hierarchy.
Reading the simple noun alone might elicit a physical and automatic reaction. Did it for you? For some people, the hatred for hierarchy runs deep. Despite that, we see hierarchies play out every day in our vanilla lives.
Hierarchies often play a part to determine an individual’s or group’s status, privilege, and access to resources and opportunities within the society.
You will see this play out in…
- Workplaces: Employees organized into different levels of authority and responsibility.
- Education: Schools and universities often have hierarchical structures, with students organized into different grade levels or academic programs.
- Family: Families can also have hierarchical dynamics, with parents or guardians typically occupying positions of authority and responsibility.
- Government: Political systems often feature hierarchical structures, with elected officials, government agencies, and civil servants organized into different levels of government (local, state/provincial, national).
- Religious Institutions: Religious organizations often have hierarchical structures, with clergy, religious leaders, and administrative bodies overseeing the spiritual and administrative affairs of the community.
- Sports Teams: Athletic teams typically have hierarchical structures, with coaches, captains, and team leaders providing guidance and direction to players.
- Online Communities: Even in virtual spaces, hierarchies can emerge within online communities, such as social media platforms, forums, and gaming communities.
We’re all a part of some hierarchy
These examples illustrate how hierarchy permeates various aspects of daily life, shaping social relationships, organizational structures, and decision-making processes. I don’t want to downplay that out in the world social and cultural hierarchies can be damaging and hurt people in real ways. Hierarchy often creates inequality, social stratification, exclusion, marginalization, abuse of power, stifles creativity and innovation, removes accountability, stokes the fires of social conflict and division while upholding perpetuation of injustices.
While hierarchy can serve functional purposes in organizing and coordinating human activities, without efforts to challenge and dismantle oppressive hierarchies, these injustices can persist and become entrenched over time.
Which is why I wanted nothing to do with relationship hierarchy in my D/s dynamics beyond the obvious consensual power exchange efforts. Beyond a purely “play aspect” I was warned countless times about the troubles it would inevitably bring. However, in the past when I’ve had multiple partners and/or submissives, I mentally exhausted myself ensuring what was actually the illusion of equality. In reality, while the idea of treating all your partners the same is lovely, it can be hard in practice, even with the best intentions.
The polyandrous Domme
In traditional polyamorous relationships, hierarchy refers to the practice of prioritizing or structuring relationships based on certain criteria, such as emotional connection, commitment level, or time investment. While not all ethically non-monogamous individuals or relationships adhere to hierarchical structures, some may choose to establish hierarchies to provide clarity, boundaries, and stability within their relationships. I was struggling when managing my relationships from an egalitarian approach, but still wanted them to be based on principles of situational autonomy, mutual respect, and of course, consent. All under the umbrella of my lifestyle of practicing ‘polyandry‘.
So a few years ago, I decided to really sit down, and examine how relationship hierarchy could be achieved for me. And I’ve never looked back! Let’s take a look at what that looks like here in the Queendom.
My hierarchy isn’t hard to follow given my D/s dynamics and FLR household but broken down it looks like a bit like this:
- Queen – Me, at the top. I am often the sole deciderer and/or final say at home. My needs come first.
- Vanilla partner – My nesting partner of nearly 20 years falls just under my needs. While not my submissive, and not a kinkster by any means, he ascribes to an FLR mentality and lifestyle. Without his support, co-creating my 24/7, D/s, Female Led Lifestyle dreams would not be possible. Goodness the things we subject him to by proxy haha!
- Bratty submissive – Puppy sits firmly here. He gives all he can and is only submissive to me, while relinquishing a wealth of control over real life decisions.
- Friends/family/events – These are the people and experiences that recharge me, through maximizing my time but do not contend with my limited attention when need self care.
- Slave in training – sissy kitty is being trained to cater to decisions made by me. His time is mine and my time is mine. He receives it when I choose or loses it to other options I may have.
Does that hierarchy look enticing or frightening?
I based my personal household hierarchy structure to facilitate decision-making and coordination of activities. This means I appoint my partners and situations with different roles and responsibilities. It also means division of things doesn’t always look “fair” or “equal” but overall this helps with my sanity (and in some ways theirs too!).
For example…
When it comes to food and drink, my vanilla partner gets first choice (after me!). When there’s a bigger piece of steak/pizza/favorite food, a new exotic cuisine drink, or similar available, he gets it first. Whereas with my kitty, he must always wait until everyone has started to eat before he can even start.
I choose all clothing for all my partners (yes, especially underwear) and hierarchy is even at work there. I wear designer clothes, and Puppy liked designer clothes before we met, so my Puppy also wears designer clothes. My slave in training on the other hand only receives them as occasional gifts – he also has no desire for these luxuries. Otherwise he is only allowed to purchase clothes from big box stores I only have nightmares about.
Each year when the polydays roll around and I poke my vanilla partner first to see if we have vanilla obligations, and if not, work my way down the pyramid of hierarchy, settling on who needs my presence the most first. Last year the slave in training requested I join him and his family since I’d yet to make a holiday appearance (for the reasons stated above), so I obliged him but only after making sure I didn’t have plans with partners higher up the pyramid.
Or…
If this Mistress requires some sort of service, especially solo D/s service such as foot worship, tedious labor, small detail projects, tidying up, or meal prep, I start in the reverse order. I enlist my slave in training to help, he’s quiet and likes to visually learn through shadowing. If he’s not able/available, then I move to Puppy, who requires less instruction due to his tenor, and if he looks too confused as I go on (lol), I finally ask my vanilla partner to step in.
As notoriously late, late night owls, we operate in multiple timezones and sometimes are just going to sleep when the sub sun rises. But, here the leader rises before the crew. I wake my partners normally in a specific order. Surprisingly, I allow the slave in training to sleep in to ensure he has enough energy for himself and his devotion to me, and the household each day.
As a household, we love our gadget purchases and tech pieces but it can get pricey. Who gets to purchase what? That depends, after I’ve decided as Queen of the house what I need (like the new laptop and recording equipment I recently bought), *if* there’s excess funds, I ask my vanilla partner, then Puppy what he may want. The kitty isn’t a factor in this because tech is his passion so he can decide those purchases freely – although he still consults me.
Want to practice a kinky skill? I approach my kitty first (since he is still somewhat new to kink) to provide a new experience, then Puppy, then kinky friends, then my vanilla partner.
When hierarchy breaks down
This is all cute on paper but what about when hierarchy presents challenges? Sometimes emergencies arise and I cater to who actually needs my assistance/attention first. I skipped being with Puppy on Christmas day so I could meet my slave in training’s family for one of our first holidays together.
A previous partner of mine required some caretaking after a medical situation, that meant I was with him nearly 24/7 and was not available to my sub and vanilla partner at the time for weeks.
Hierarchies can create a complex web of relationships with varying levels of intimacy and commitment. For some people, they will never be comfortable with a relationship structure that has phrases such as “primary”, “secondary”, “tertiary” involved…and that’s okay!
This structure in ethical non-monogamous relationships can sometimes lead to hurdles and conflicts, such as feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or resentment among partners. It can also offer a reprieve from known areas of stress and allow narrow focuses to strengthen within. This actually adds to the type of service I seek. Hierarchical poly relationships often involve explicit rules, agreements, and boundaries to govern the interactions between partners and manage potential conflicts. These rules may include guidelines for communication, time management, sexual health, and emotional boundaries.
Effective communication, negotiation, and ongoing reassessment of boundaries are essential for navigating these complexities and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships within a hierarchical ethical non-monogamous framework.
It’s important to recognize that BDSM relationships encompass a wide range of dynamics, preferences, and practices, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to hierarchy in BDSM. Partners may negotiate roles, rules, and rituals that suit their individual desires, boundaries, and relationship dynamics, and consent remains paramount in all BDSM interactions. That means do what works best for you and carve your own path!