Just like clockwork, every few months for the last decade or so, I’ll receive a message or comment like the one I was confronted with in person recently. It was disgust disguised as concern. I’ve seen it before….
I can’t believe someone like you still uses the word ‘sissy.’
The history of ‘sissy’
When I was growing up sissy/sissy baby/sissy boy/sissy man/sissy pants, etc., was a derogatory term. It was always weaponized to make a boy or man feel less than. It was what tomboy was to women, like I was called often growing up. The jist hinged on the fact he wasn’t displaying “masculine characteristics”, he showed signs of vulnerability, and thus made himself “weak”. It didn’t matter if it was a boy who didn’t speak up in class when he was getting picked on, or a male colleague who shared his less-than-masculine interests and hobbies, this word would be casually thrown about, sometimes “playfully”.
Did this male enjoy fashion? Not consider themselves athletic? Enjoyed caring for his body and prided his looks? Possibly soft spoken? Took a backseat in relationships to let the woman lead? He was sissy, or ‘metrosexual‘ as I got older. All this was said to cause pressure to conform to social expectations. And now in some communities, (looking at you Gen Z), highly effeminate men are referred to as “femboys.” This term is intended to provide a way to refer to effeminate men without all the negative connotations it brings.
Reframing shame
I love sissies. Every person I’ve called a ‘sissy’ has asked, neigh, usually begged for it. My first encounters with sissies was through sissification. And it was usually as a punishment or an extreme humiliation based scene. I (wrongfully) was taught for many years that sissies were “bad” and deserved to be made fun of, though I struggled to really feel pride in some of the insults I consensually directed at them.
Looking back, I suspect the psychological crux for those sissies and some now, is they know they can never truly be what they desperately wish to be — female — and in self-loathing wish to be punished and degraded for this failure. It left a bad taste for me initially on the surface and that’s where I think it still lies subconsciously for many.
I see this prejudice regularly in the community through profiles, munch conversations, and kinky conventions…
- Absolutely no sissies ever!
- Eww, I don’t play with sissies.
- I want a real manly sub, so don’t bother me if you’re a sissy.
The sissification kink can, and more often than not, is portrayed as misogynistic because most proponents portray femininity as inferior. The misogyny surfaces when they talk about having their “manhood stripped away” and being “feminized and reduced” from male to female. Over the top frilly dresses, bold makeup, and even bolder sexual desires expressed openly. This goes hand in hand with requesting someone make the subject into a living caricature and sex object.
I feel it is meant as an emasculating act rather than trying to portray femininity as submissiveness. A lot of people would say the same about drag queens; as it promotes the idea of womanhood as being huge-hair, big-tits, tight-dressed, long nails, excessive makeup. It almost trivializes what it means to be a woman down to gender signifiers. However, gender is often one of the most poorly defined aspects of human expression.
Sissies often do what they do because they enjoy being objectified, submissive, and slutty. Something that is often at odds when trying to be as “masculine” as society has said these men should be. Which is why it saddens me to see this popular misunderstood kink shamed so glibly, and frequently by female identified people nonetheless.
But I’m a Feminist
I consider myself a feminist and ally of the LGBTQIAPK+ community.
People like me, especially, younger feminists, have felt no fear in calling out problematic attitudes and verbiage (re: transphobia) and rightfully so! For people looking to intentionally harm someone with their words, the problem is easy to see. It’s when we take a heaping of sexuality, gender construct, and a dash of fantasy sprinkled with fetishes, that we make this issue a complex and controversial one.
I know there’s a possible harmful history for those surrounding certain words, ‘sissy’ being one of them but I believe in autonomous intention. I can agree there is an academic argument to be made for the misogynistic aspects of sissification. But, it seems like a poor target for outrage in our community that has members who believe all women are are inferior to men and are meant to be slaves. If you are a female identified submissive with a male identified dominant, no matter how consenting, that has aspects of inherent misogyny at least as great, if not greater than sissification, yet it’s totally accepted as the norm.
The real misogyny of sissification presents in the way that society has relegated these acts and fashions to “women” only. If one looks at stereotypical dominatrix attire, I believe there is a good argument to be made that leather corsets, fishnets, and spiked heels plays to traditional male standards for female attractiveness. I believe a man wearing slutty fem clothing is no more misogynistic than a woman wearing them. The fashions and behaviors in question are designed/appropriate for sexual play. In today’s genderfluid world people are free to make whatever statement they enjoy, and that statement applies only to that person, unless somehow there is evidence to say otherwise.
It’s a personal pride
I have two simply delightful submissive sissies in my care and I adore both of them. Shortly after feeling like I wasn’t getting to enjoy sissies the way I wanted, I went soul-searching. I was perplexed as a boy in a dress always stirred something within. I realized it was the self-loathing aspect that put me off.
My sissies get doted on, dolled up, commanded respectfully, and are encouraged to use the safe play space we’ve created to tap into their famished feminine side. Sometimes that involves sexual acts, sometimes not. They want to be cared for in a softer way. They want to explore wearing dresses of different varieties and undergarments of fabrics they don’t always have access to in the guys section when shopping. We opt of using phrases within the sissy community that don’t align with our practice such as ‘bussy’, ‘clitty’, ‘girldick’, and the likes. Any humiliation is done playfully and not with any malcontent or resentment from either side.
I want them to feel safe to self-identify however makes them feel best while being able to do the same myself as a more masculine figure. For us that means reclaiming ‘sissy’ for ourselves.
It boils down language.
It is an imperfect but expedient form of communication. No matter how well read a person is, no matter how large the vocabulary; ultimately words are an inherently flawed means to attempt to convey the thoughts and feelings inside someone’s mind to another person’s mind; a mind with it’s own unique way of processing auditory information, symbology and differing interpretations and priorities. Words will ALWAYS be lacking, insufficient and even in the best of cases produces a poor representation of reality.
Additionally, it feels to me that we are living in a society with a desperate and inexplicable need to label everything while simultaneously seeking to identify each and every case where offense to another may be possible.
If this is you, spend less time worrying about what terms may offend certain people or support certain stereotypes and worry more about the intention of the message you are intending to send. Make sure it’s being sufficiently received and understood by the intended recipient and allow those who may overhear and be offended the opportunity to practice their adult skills and politely seek clarification for any concerns they may have about a communication that likely wasn’t intended for them anyhow.