Measuring up for Mistress

He can’t satisfy me and that’s okay…well at least not with his cock.

It’s been no secret that since I became sexually active in my teens that I always craved bigger and ‘better’ cock. At first it started innocently enough (that’s how I like to remember it anyway) and I just loved big dicks. I loved everything about them but most of all I loved how they felt inside me. That’s it. Big dick? Check! Insertion? Check! Feel good? Ooooohhhhh yeah check!

I’m an older, more mature woman now. If you say it enough you start to believe it right? Color me jaded but I’ve come to learn that it’s not just enough to have a large schlong anymore, you have to actually know how to use it. I won’t forgive myself for showing up late and scantily clad to the ‘finesse’ in the bedroom’ party but now that I’m here consider me a lifetime member.

My current submissive is not well endowed, he barely touches the tip of average for me (pun intended!) but I appreciate his work ethic between the sheets; dedicated, hard working, and never misses a shift. I mentioned to him once, he fucks like he has a 10 inch cock it’s just a shame he doesn’t actually have one. So, I thought it only my duty to share what I’ve learned about massive mound monsters over the years…

Ladies if your partner is well endowed don’t let him take a backseat to participation. Make him work for it!

Men with big dicks, you have a responsibility to uphold. No longer will we take your laziness in bed lying down (okay maybe once in a while) but you need to bring your ‘A’ game when you’re with us. If you want to be a star player just remember these simple rules:

1. Foreplay, foreplay, fore-fucking-play! Seriously if you’re expecting us to take your oversized one-eyed trouser snake you need to make absolutely sure that we are wet and ready. Feel free to check with fingers, tongue, toys or all of the above.

2. Don’t be lazy. Come on, we know that lugging around your clam hammer can be an exhausting task but when it’s time to enter Paradise, you’d hate to be the guy taking a nap right? Have a banana or some quick protein to get your energy up so that you can match and maybe exceed us in terms of tantric team effort.

3. Buy your own big condoms you dumb dumb. We’re never going to know your balony baton as well as you. Save us the frustration of looking for “the” one in a mad dash at the pharmacy on our way to see you. Large, extra large, super, and king size all sound like a good time for us.

4. Don’t bottom out without asking us first. I can’t speak for all women but I really hate when a guy takes his huge heat seeking moisture missile and rams it until he hits my cervix. A bruised cervix is no fun. Unless she’s into pain, which I’m sure she might have mentioned at the start. If she didn’t err on the side of caution.

5. Avoid being anyone’s first. It really sucks to have that kind of standard set at the very beginning of your sexual experience and then being massively disappointed with all other lap lizards thereafter. If you must, give her a disclaimer letting her know you’re a special snowflake.

6. Request blow jobs carefully. You know you have an above average python of love, be considerate if asking and knowing it’s a lot to take in—literally! If she says ‘no’ don’t make her feel bad, she might just want to be able to talk for the next couple of days without a painful reminder of biting off more than she could deepthroat.

7. Groom! Your mega moby dick doesn’t excuse you from presenting it to us in a pleasing-to-the-eye manner. Also don’t forget to get those shaft hairs, they’re scraggly looking little buggers when we’re faced with them and we don’t know whether to laugh or cry when we see them.

8. Be good at something else. Yes, yes, yes, you’ve got your super sperminator but you don’t wanna be called a one trick pony do you? Of course not! Learn the ways of cunnilingus, analingus, heavy petting, and making out like mastermind. Trust me, a little multitasking goes a long way. Probably not as long as your cock but still, it’s a nice gesture.

9. Do not attempt anal with a novice. I repeat step away from the anus. I mean come on would you want to have a crazy sized Cock-a-saurus Rex as your intro to anal sex? No? Well she probably wouldn’t either! Save this for a girl who has a little more anal experience.

10. Communication. What you expecting something more profound? This has nothing to do with size and everything to do with being a good sex partner. Listen to your partner’s wants and needs, learn their body language and if you’re unsure ask. There’s nothing sexier for a woman than hearing “How do you want me?’ Remember to share your wants and needs too and see what works best for you both.

And guys who are smaller than average, don’t fret. There’s positions and techniques that may yet work for you to satisfy your partner. Head over here to check them out.

Lastly for the ladies, unless you’re willing to offer some constructive criticism don’t make fun of guys with just-ever-so-cutely sized joysticks—if they had a choice in the matter they would’ve said: “Supersize me please.”

P.S. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I’m just a woman who has and will always love big fucking dicks.