Recently a guy told me that he was giving up BDSM after his first experience with me because I didn’t provide him with what he deemed an enticing encounter (i.e. I wouldn’t have sex with him).
Now I don’t know which is more pathetic, the fact that he so haphazardly (and falsely in my opinion) placed all his interests for the lifestyle in his one and first experience, or the fact that he had the balls to tell me I had disappointed him…as if I really gave a fuck.
When did this lifestyle become well…a “lifestyle”?
I can’t go to a party, event, meeting, or otherwise meet someone also into BDSM without one of the first three questions asked as…“What’s your role?” I’m all for the nitty-gritty questions and figuring out if you’ll mesh with someone but whatever happened to a simple, “How are you?” One of the reasons I decided to try exploring my kinkiness was because I loved the concept of openness, freedom to explore, and the space to actually be myself. But, it’s almost as if everyone has painted themselves into their own corners.
Tops. Bottoms.Pansexual. Dominant. Submissives. Switches. Heteroflexible.
Some people I’ve met are a bit standoffish to me and when asked why they confess: We’re both dominants or I’m not their type.
Before any of these titles were are still people right?
I cherish getting to know individuals regardless of their respective roles. It just worries me when we focus so much on limits, protocols, and who you know as opposed to just relaxing and enjoying being with like-minded folks. But on the other hand, as much as I lament this if you are too relaxed and push all the kinky stuff too far to the side then you’ll miss it all together.
There has to be a solid middle ground. I’m still grasping this myself (as you might notice with nurse sub). I’ve been in need of kinky play so much that I feel that other side of my Mistressy attitude coming forth. It’s the side where I stop thinking so much about how caring I am to my subs and really just think of how much I want to use them for my sole pleasure with some pain mixed in, pain mostly for making me wait so long to finally have them under my heel.
Oh the urges! I’m glad we don’t need labels for those and can just be animalistic with our desires.
Life is a lot more fun without worrying about labels and letting them define us.
Good grief, that guy's a dick.
I agree with you – I feel pigeonholing is just retarded for the most part. I acknowledge that there are certain power shifts that must be respected but things are dynamic specific too. There is no carpet rule and placing restrictions as in "I am X role therefore I must do Y thing and because of that I cannot associate with Z person" is just silly. I've heard some ridiculously narrow minded, label obsessive shit from people who claim to be an integral part of the BDSM community that make me think "Um, I don't think so".
I remember yonks ago when I had that whole chub-sub episode, that's how he behaved. He wanted to come back to mine and have me force him to give me head after our first meet. Yeah right, not right away and not in my home, buster. So then he started questioning me as to whether I was assertive. What a fool.
P.S. My captcha was subble. I thought that was oddly quite fitting.
@Riff: Don't you know it!
@Eden: Yeah, it's a mixed bag here with the people who truly enjoy it and the people who want to know-it-all and tell others what they should be doing. Hrm, whatcha gonna do?
thanks for the blog visit
Labels! They suck. WHY!??! Why label everything and then set expectations on them like that?!
P.S. That guy was a dick.
*hugs*
Giving something like this up is like giving up breathing…it wont last for long and labels are price tags.
I just happened to see this post this evening. I had to comment because I went to my first much a couple of weeks ago.
While there, I met a lot of really nice, friendly people and it didn't occur to me to ask about anyone's title or role.
I would prefer not to know until it came up naturally during the course of conversation. I think that any relationship, be it D/s or otherwise, should be a voyage of discovery. Some will become more important than others but all need to find their own level without the distractions of "Titles" or predetermined expectations.
I only started going to BDSM events a few months ago and I am asked what I am – sub or dom but I am fluid and I'm certain that many are. It depends who I am with. Still I DO love to have a man under my thumb.