With a little under two weeks left for my sub-hunt things have started to pick up a bit.
I am definitely interacting with more submissives on and offline than ever before. Is it wrong to feel fucking womanly knowing I am chatting with at least seven twelve fourteen different potentials?
All this exploration now has me wondering if there was a key element I have been ignoring up until now. I went out with nurse sub again for dinner and he was a perfect gentleman. His smile is infectious and we always have a good laugh-fest about random life happenings when we are together.
He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s cute, he’s respectful, he’s independent yet I can still clearly identify his submissive side.
Then…what is the problem?
It’s that I am getting to know him.
I am finding that the more I get to know a submissive the less I can see myself doing with them. My usual protocol is one initial meeting with no play and then if things click, we play on the next meeting. I have not been following that method very closely this year. Every sub I have met with so far I’ve had the preliminary ‘Verify You’re Not A Creeper‘ meeting and then we continue. We just keep meeting for drinks, dinner, movies, shopping trips, etc.
It’s not that I want to completely objectify my submissives but I think our paths are leading to deeper connections that block me from wanting to do “Mistressy” things with them. This all came to me as a revelation as I was talking with nurse sub.
He had texted me before our meeting: “In the mood for anything in particular?”
I believe he was thinking of food but little did he know I was not, as this came only moments after I had lamented aloud how I wanted a boy at my feet while I worked. Once we arrived at dinner and began talking, I explained to him that his open-ended question had impeccable timing.
“You should have told me, I would’ve came over to sit at your feet or do whatever you needed,” was his response.
But I instantly thought…
He works nearly 70 hour work weeks. Wouldn’t he be tired?
Wouldn’t he would rather have a relaxing day off instead of serving me? How can I ask him to take care of my whims when he does that everyday for others?
These are NOT the thoughts I want to have about my submissives. Yes, I want to care about them as human beings but I also want to use them…I just don’t want to use them. Trust me, I’m just as confused as ever and it seems my big heart has struck again and is trying to prevent me from being the most of my “Mistress self”.
As nurse sub and I parted ways I told him, “Next time no dinner, well perhaps a small dinner…but definitely dessert afterward.”
I’m so glad this is metaphorical dessert because I can’t bake worth shit, but my paddle and I can whip any boy into shape!
I love this post. I like the honesty when discussing the need to objectify our subs while trying not to treat them like objects. A few months ago my on-line sub and I took a break as she dealt with some real life issues. During that time we remained friends but focused on non-sexual things. Now that she's in a better place mentally, we are having a hard time getting back to where we were before. She's a friend now, not just a sub, and it's very different.
Yes the friendship dynamic is very different from the D/s dynamic which is also very different from the bf/gf dynamic. I expect no less though as we are humans with complex inter-workings. I just hope to get a firm grip on my desires and execute them properly.
I can imagine it would be tough to have a "friends" relationship and then have a Dom/sub relationship at the same time. Even in my much more limited experience with this, I have a tough time reconciling the two.