We’ll get along when you stop being dumb

As I logged into my Fetlife account today I saw that I had several messages waiting to be read.

Sometimes I dread the messages on that site, sometimes I look forward to them. After skimming through I realized I had several “Oh-pick-me-please-Mistress-I’ll-be-the-best-sub messages“. These usually amuse me for several reasons.

You’re in luck however as I’ve decided to help you poor saps out. Here’s some tips for male subs if you’re writing a potential Mistress/Dominant online:

1. Make sure she is seeking a sub…writing a Mistress who is just looking for friendship in hopes of changing her mind just seems desperate, plus she’s a woman who most likely knows what she wants and it’s not you trying to talk her into anything.
   
2. Have a decent profile set-up. Nothing pisses me off more than a “man” who writes me promising endless submission but can’t manage to put up one picture of himself (face or not) and a small paragraph telling about himself. Dick pics don’t count.
   
3. Don’t just message her “Hi mistress slave located here in ____ seeking to meet [insert telephone number] slave _____”. It’s just not gonna happen honey. This isn’t delivery, I won’t be calling you. (Yes, that was an actual message to me)
   
4. Don’t send a cut & paste form letter. She’ll know and it’s just not classy. If you can’t take time to write her a small custom message, how do you plan to serve reliably? Hint: You won’t.
   
5. Easy on the penis pics. Penis pictures on your profile are fine but just know it will seem like your head is in the wrong place. (See: your ass) At least don’t make it your main photo if you must show off your member. And if you are showing it, I hope for your sake it’s worth looking at.
   
6. Don’t lie. Claiming to have been “into BDSM my whole life” or “for more than 10 years” when you’re only 25 definitely seems sketchy. Or saying you have tons of real-time experience when you don’t will just reveal itself later. I had one sub who had “15 years experience” but couldn’t fetch my flogger when asked because he couldn’t identify one. Ha!
   
7. Are you 15-30 years her senior? Probably not a good match…but I know you guys just can’t help trying. Just try to expect the rejection that will most likely follow.
   
8. Be submissive. If she’s a Mistress/Domme and you’re a Master/Dom…you’re probably not what she’s looking for. Commanding her to “be a good girl and write you back” will most assuredly make her want to stomp your balls and not in a good sexy way.
   
9. FetLife is a community. If you’re only in groups to pick up women or check personal ads, this will probably reflect poorly on you. Have a look at the group ‘I’m Only In The Lifestyle To Get My Brains Fucked Out’ for better luck.
   
10. Be prepared for something real. If you have no intentions of ever formulating a real connection with her, or meeting in person, then don’t bother. BDSM is just as psychological as it is physical. Her profile will tell you as much.

Above all…a little decency will go a long way. It’s not rocket science but it appears it is for a fair amount of the guys writing me. Treat me with some respect and I’ll give that back. Don’t? Well…good luck to your poor little ego!